Time for a Change

  

Sometimes I still cannot understand how the world works.

I am not perfect nor do I claim to be perfect.  I’ve made huge, perhaps humongous might be the politically correct term to use here if pertaining to the mistakes I made at some point in my life.  And I owned up or at least trying to own up to every single one of them.  I never said I was right to begin with as well.  If there is one thing I learned from somebody, who from time to time told or berated me to change or own up to my mistakes is that, I don’t have anybody or anyone else to blame but myself for the “shit” that’s happening in my life and the best thing I can do is to stand up and do something about it.  I might have not appreciated it during that time but at the point where I am now, it continuously echoes inside my head, I guess he was right all along.  I was just too proud and too consumed in my own little world to hear or acknowledge what he was trying to tell me all these years.

Here I am at the lowest point in my life, struggling to raise and provide for a son and another one coming soon on my own.  It made me realize of all the things I took for granted before.  I know there is no use crying over spilled milk but perhaps going back to what I used to have will somehow make me stronger today and give me that necessary drive to really get up and change the course of my life and knowing the fact that I can still make it happen.

I have been “hoodwinked” not only once or twice by the one person I trusted the most.  Much as I want to blame him for everything that is happening to me, I’d rather put bygones into bygones because if there is one GOOD thing he gave me out of it was that he gave me two wonderful blessings in life.  I might be struggling now, but I know someday and somehow, these two blessings will be my driving force to succeed.  I know and I am certain that I will do everything, even if it means working 24 hours a day, just to provide and give them a future that I can be proud off someday.  I don’t blame him as well, I did have a choice, there were plenty of available choices right in front of me but I just chose to stand up and be a “man” and face my situation head on.  I don’t have any regrets being with him because having my two children is probably the best thing I ever did in my life.

I am doing my best right now in keeping me, the “coming soon” and Patrick together as much as I can.  I might not be able to give Patrick everything he wants right now or take him to places other “double parents” take their children but I’ll be damned not to make that as a goal for the three of us.

I am writing this at 12:30 in the morning with my son sleeping on my chest because of a cough that’s making it difficult for him to sleep.  This is also why I came to this realization, that in spite of every bad thing and decision I made in my life, this one tiny little person still doesn’t judge me, gives me a chance to change and loves me unconditionally.

I will make that change… not only for me but for the only two right things I made in my life.

Wish List

A lot of Patrick's baby stuff was already "donated" since I never expected my new angel, so here's a simple wish list I prepared for the new angel. :)

1. Baby Bottles - It doesn't hurt for additional bottles for the new addition.  Although I'm planning to split Patrick's bottle for the two of them since he's already 2,  I would still love additional bottles.

Avent 9oz Bottles

 2. Baby Sling - Since I'll be going around with 2 angels now, a baby sling isn't a bad idea to use.  The comfort of the new one close to me and I'd still be able to hold Patrick with my other hand.

Baby Sling

3. New Diaper Bag - One that doesn't really look like a diaper bag.  I already had one I used with Patrick but the signs of wear and tear is already showing, so a new one won't hurt as well.

Diaper Bag

4. Double Stroller - Should I say more? The ultimate comfort for moms like me! Expensive though, so just wishful thinking... :)

Double Stroller

5. Infant Clothes and Shoes - I never thought I'd be having baby number 2 so clothes will be generously accepted.

Clothes :)

Dress

6. Infant Carrier - For easy traveling with the new angel :)

Infant Carrier

7. Other helpful Baby Stuff :)

Swaddle Me

Crib Mobile

Bath Tub

Baby Gym

Will post more.. soon! :)

Ghost Whisperer

Lately I've been addicted to the TV Show Ghost Whisperer (Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt).  It's all I watch on DVD... well except for Barney which Patrick loves, even so, he also watches Ghost Whisperer with me.  He refers to it as "moomoo"!  I just so love Melinda and Jim (especially Jim, played by actor David Conrad, so dreamy!)  I have all the 5 seasons and it just makes me so sad that the show was already cancelled last year by CBS!  Too bad.  I like the story of the show.  I love the setting of Grandview and there's always something to learn from every episode.  Oh well, I guess it's back to loving Grey's Anatomy then :)

Ghost Whisperer is an American television supernatural drama, which ran on CBS from September 23, 2005 to May 21, 2010.
The series follows the life of Melinda Gordon (Jennifer Love Hewitt), who has the ability to see and communicate with ghosts. While trying to live as normal a life as possible—she is married and owns an antique store—Melinda helps earthbound spirits resolve their problems and cross over into the Light, or the spirit world. Her tasks are difficult and at times she struggles with people who push her away and disbelieve her ability. In addition, the ghosts are mysterious and sometimes menacing in the beginning and Melinda must use the clues available to her to understand the spirit's needs and help them.

Jennifer Love Hewitt and David Conrad stars as Married Couple
 Melinda Gordon and Jim Clancy/Sam Lucas

Miracles and Happy Endings

I still believe in miracles and happy endings.. I don't know why after all I've been through I still hope and pray that somewhere out there, a happy ending still waits for me.  Perhaps its more of believing that everybody deserves one and that my kids deserve it as well.  I've never been the positive thinker but somehow I know that two people now depends on me to be positive and think about them, their future -- our future.  I might not really get my happy ending but I'm sure hell bent to give it to my two beautiful blessings... My angels in life..  I'm just a sucker for happy endings!

Mommy and Patrick, June 2009

A Tribute To Lolo (Postscript)

I miss lolo now more than anything... With the stuff I'm going thru...  But somehow I know lolo is just around me somewhere, looking and watching and telling me that I need not give up and that everything will be okay...

Patrick during Lolo's wake

A Tribute To Lolo

Puppy is Patrick's "security blanket", although it is not really a blanket but a stuffed toy of a dog.  I remembered buying it on my way home from work a month after Patrick turned 1 (so that's probably around December of 2009) and it was on sale too (woohoo! bargain!)  When Patrick first laid his eyes on puppy, of course he was excited to play with it as it is new to his eyes, but like any other kids, after a few minutes or so, puppy laid un-noticed already at one corner of the room.

During this time, my dad, Patrcik's lolo (grandad) is already bed-ridden due to illness.  It is worth to mention that Patrick had this special bond with his lolo, he's a lolo's boy!  My dad was always patient with Patrick.   From the time that he was still an infant crying his lungs out, when I'd get frustrated because I have no idea what to do anymore and I cant' make Patrick stop crying and sleep at the wee hours of the morning, my dad was always there to rescue me, he'll have that extra-ordinary patience with him and true enough, after just a few minutes, he'll be able to get Patrick to sleep in his chest while they are seated at the rocking chair in our living room.  I never saw him get frustrated or got angry with Patrick even at the height of Patrick's tantrums.  He would take him to walks in the morning, make him eat his breakfast as well when he'll refuse to open his mouth to eat.  Even when he was not feeling well already, he would still watch over Patrick in the mornings when I have to go to work already.  He'd tell me to bring Patrick to his room, they'd sit together and watch Pocoyo on the TV.  He bought Patrick his first ever bicycle and insisted to go with us to the mall eventhough he's already having trouble walking.

Every night, a few minutes before Patrick goes to sleep, he'd hung out at his lolo's room to watch TV.  Lolo would always hug puppy and tease him that he loves puppy more than Patrick and  of course this would make Patrick cry all the time.  He would throw puppy out of lolo's room!  By then, lolo's condition was worsening already.  But it didn't stop for the two of them to bond.

February 18, 2010 at 8:25pm, my dad passed away due to cardiac arrest secondary to stage 4 lung cancer.  I remembered whispering to my dad's ear at the ICU of the hospital that morning that he needs to fight for me and Patrick and that he is waiting for him at home.  I was just so scared that nobody would defend us anymore.  My dad was always our defender.  It scared the hell out of me the possibility of losing my dad.  During that whole day, his condition continued to worsen and we were told that his chances are slim already.  I still saw him fighting but I can also see that he was also already tired.  The doctor advised us already to say our last goodbyes to my dad.  I whispered again in his ear that its okay to let go already, and he need not worry because I will do everything I can to take care of Patrick and that we'll be okay.  A few minutes after that, he took his last breath.

I went home that night, Patrick was already sleeping and I noticed that he was hugging puppy.  I didn't think of anything back then.  Patrick was still too young to understand what happened to his lolo but we would tell him that lolo is sleeping and that he went to heaven.  During the wake, he'd bring puppy anywhere he goes.  He'd hold it by its tail.  I remembered trying to get puppy from him and he'd cry and say lolo.  I'd say he associated puppy with his lolo thus puppy becoming his security blanket until now.

People told me that Patrick was so young when his lolo passed away and that he will never remember him but until to this day, he still mentions his lolo everytime he watches pocoyo on TV and when you make him point where his lolo is at a picture, he would still point correctly to his lolo's smiling face.  He would sometimes wave to nobody and say lolo.  I would like to think that lolo is still watching over him and it brings me comfort somehow.  I guess Patrick and Lolo's bond is stronger than I imagined.

We are about to celebrate lolo's 1st year death anniversary and still everyday is a struggle for me and Patrick especially at times when we need defending at home.  I know in my heart lolo is in a better place and that he is happy right now.  I miss lolo everyday but I know Patrick misses his lolo more than I do.

We love you lolo and you will be forever missed...

Patrick and Lolo during his 1st birthday

Visitng Lolo - Christmas 2010

Patrick and Puppy

   

Primo S. Garcia Jr. ( April 24, 1940 - February 18, 2010 )

Amazing Patrick

It still amazes me after 2 years and 1 month of Patrick's existence, I still can't get over every little thing Patrick does whether trying to help his lola (grandma) get up from bed or remind her to drink medicine, trying his very hard to fix the bed in the morning, cleaning his bottles, everything.. I see him everyday but still everyday is a new discovery for us both.

Smile Patrick

Biker Dude